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Hey, folks... I'm having a kind of bad week
I hope to find some closure here, from my new 'fam.
Ok... long story short... I am finally able to put my feelings into words. That has always been one of my greatest gifts... self expression.
But, on the matter of wearing a hairpiece, I run into a loss for words.
Here's where I stand... I am still in the learning curve of attachment.
But, for the most part, between my wife and I, usually one of us gets the unit on right.
I'm at that point of acceptance that I once saw someone on here mention... Jeff Lloyd, I believe.
That we worry about being detected more than anyone else. And, how we will always be able to spot something we don't like about our own attachment, but that no one else is looking for it.
That's so true.
And, on the upside, I'm at the point of, say... like, if my wife and I could get a baby-sitter tonight, and we went out for dinner, I'm okay. Because, again, no one is looking for it.
Here's what's wrong.
I live in Texas... the family that I grew up with, until 2002, still lives back in Tennessee.
Well, they are coming to visit for a few days around December 5th.
I've told them that I wear.
Once, on a good-attachment day, I even bragged to them about the undetectable nature of my unit.
But, I am so scared that, when they come in, it will be one of those days that I end up with a tiny wrinkle or lift in the front hairline.
Now, you may be thinking, "Well, so what, they're your family. They won't mind."
Here's the deal... I want it to be undetectable for them, more than I do the cashier at the store.
I have a great, loving family... a very accepting family.
But, I also have a very forgetful family... they say things that, even if you've expressed dislike for it 1,000 times, they just continue to say those very things.
How I ended up with a near-photographic memory defies all laws of genetics.
Anyway...these "things" that they say, which bother me? I've talked about the hassle of learning perfect attachment.
So, they say...
"Just wear a hat all the time."
"A LOT of men go bald. Some people think it looks nice."
Ugh!!
I have heard, and internalized, these jabs for about 4 years.
My temperament is such that, I am very patient and I try to not let stuff get to me.
But, finally, when it's built up after a long time, all it takes is one wrong thing to be said, and the next thing I know, I'm spouting off and trying my best to shut up.
I don't want that. I just want to do my thing, enjoy my family, and that be that.
After all, that IS the reason for seeing them... to spend the time that I don't get with them.
But, there's still the remaining fact that I'm a human being, with very deep feelings, and this hair-loss and replacement thing is the deepest personal wound I have ever known in my life. You know, as far as wounds to the self and spirit go.
So, if I hear any of those dreaded "just go bald" or "wear a hat" remarks, I'm absolutely going to lose it.
This isn't pre-meditated, though it may sound so.
I'm actually thinking in preventive terms. But, it's like, when something is this deep, no matter how much I prepare and plot how to keep a cool head, words like that just kill my spirit.
If the words were spoken as a first time thing, or out of total ignorance to my feelings, it would be different.
But, I have BEGGED and pleaded to be understood that I do NOT like those remarks. But, it's gotten me nowhere.
Today's the 4th... so, I have about a month to worry about this.
I actually cried just before coming to the computer and writing this.
I was in the kitchen by myself, and said, out loud, "I wish you all could just come NOW, so I can get on with enjoying my hair, and start to heal from the comments I KNOW you're gonna make!"
And, that's it, entirely!
To me, like I said... it's no big deal, out in stores or at the mall and stuff!
I'm still learning, but at income tax return time, I'm gonna get another unit, and each time, I learn a little more.
The person who matters most... my wife... heck, she prefers the hair! We've talked about it stealing 10 years and 10 pounds off of my face.
Some of you may remember that we at first disagreed on how I was styling it, but she finally figured out that I know what I'm doing, and not to judge it until seeing the final version of the styling process.
So, in summary...
folks, what do I do so that the next month isn't pure torture for me?
Should I...
Seriously, folks, I have diagnosed this perfectly today, after a previous week of frustration.
If today, my family had already come and gone, I'd be full-fledged into this in an enjoyable mode, and it would NOT be the big deal I'm feeling it as today.
My personality and quirks cause me to not enjoy the hair now, until that visit next month has passed. Weird, I know, but that's just me.
I am very eagerly looking forward to any thoughts on this.
Thanks for your time reading this.
Walter
Hi Walter
Wearing hair is very personal so if it's family or a stranger that makes a teasing or off color comment it is hurtful. I think a letter would be fine explaining your feelings or maybe a letter from your wife would work. I would hope if they knew how hurtful ther comments are, that your family would be conciderate of your feelings and keep there comments to themselves.
My suggestion to you for now is enjoy the new look you. Don't let the cloud of what could happen ruin the great feeling you have with the new appearance!
HD Hair Tech
Another idea is to start planning your responses now. You are already anticipating the statements, so the only thing left is to script out what your responses will be. You have plenty of time to memorize them before the big visit and you can train yourself to limit your response just to the script you decided on.
Here's an example:
Family: "Walter, for the life of me, I can't understand why you don't just shave your head, everyone else does it and they are fine with it. What is the big deal?"
Walter's possible response: "I've thought a lot about that and my hairy psychiatrist recommended that I find someone to lead me by example. So, what do you say Aunt Belle, since you know it really isn't a big deal and "everyone else" does it, will you help me out by shaving your head and telling me how you feel about it?"
Aunt Belle: "Don't be ridiculous Walter, I'm a woman, I would never shave my head!"
Walter: "Well, I've met many women who have been brave enough to do it, but since you aren't, how about your husband? He did agree with you...Uncle Richard? How about it, since it will grow right back and it's normal for men to shave their heads, will you help me out by shaving and living without your hair first?"
Something like that would surely work? Just write down each possible response you can think of and create your answers based on what you anticipate them saying!
Let us know if we can help, I think all of us have been there before!
Babe
Not born with hair, but I've gotthe intelligence to find it, the money to pay for it, the patience to "stick" it on just right,the will to make it work, the confidence to wear it boldlyand the smile to wear under it!
I hope this does not sound uncaring, however i really think you are 'over thinking this'
To make such a big issue of it to them, will increase the issue on both sides.
Just forget about it, other wise whats the point of wearing?
Your photo looks good, just forget about whats on your head, and look whats in the mirror, and they will too. Other wise if you keep making an issue of it then they will continue too, with what they think are caring and re assuring comments like, 'you would look good bald' when thats the last thing you want to hear.
You are right its not an easy thing to get over, however its even easier to get caught up in thoughts that no one else is having. After all they are forgetful, so use that to your advantage and not remind them :-)
Trust me, we all do it, we look at other people to see if they are looking at us, then when we catch them looking at us we automatically think, 'goodness, they can tell', when in reality they are actually wondering what YOU are looking at!
Chill, live, enjoy, you have hair you look great , younger and full of life, go cease it.
Tim
Mirror Slide, Mirror Slide, Mirror Slide. -Now with cellophane!
Hi, Walter,
I see you've already received some good advice, but let me add my 2 cents worth. Geeze! Your family sounds like mine! I grew up with the same kind of comments, and it really bothered me for a while. Regardless of our age, we all look for that stamp of approval from our parents and siblings. Sometimes we don't get what we feel we need. I realized one day that you can't change them. They may not even be aware that their remarks are hurting you. As far as wearing hair goes, the only person you need to please is yourself. If that guy in the mirror looks good to you, don't worry about others. My wife actually prefers me without hair. Go figure.
Jeff
Walter,
I was reading your very long message (smile) and i understand why it was so important for you to write as long as i do! When one has to share and "get it out in the open" one doesn't have any idea how much one end up writing about their deep rooted feelings, for example, "fear of the unknown" and "anticipation of something that MAY happen" in the future.
This situation, as i was reading your post, has you "captive" within yourself and i've "been there and done that" to myself, too. Talk about being accepted by one's family, i understand all too well your point of wanting to be accepted by your family just like i have always wanted to be accepted by my big brother and after 40 years he and i are still not friends, just brothers in name. But that is acceptance for me because i can only change myself. I needed some peace and serenity, so i had to accept that my brother is not going to change, just because i want him to, thus i need to do the right thing for me and that is to "let go" but never forget.
i have talk to him, been to therapy, wrote about us and shared it to someone that i trusted in the past, and as of november 2007, my brother still has HIS issues with HIMSELF, but i carried HIS issues that i thought were about me for decades because i thought that he didn't like me for who i am, but i found out through so much of my own writings and exploring and sharing, like you doing now, that my brother's problem was HIS problem, NOT mine, but i carried his problem because i thought i was the problem but as time went by, i realized that i wasn't and he now knows it because i finally was brave enough to tell him.
We are still not where i want us to be but he respects me now, just like i've always have with him and my anticipatory anxiety has been lifted and i now can rest my mind, like you will in time, if you do the work that has to be done for yourself.
I read your post again, and i'm sometimes so deep about my own inner most feelings that i see so much of you, if you don't mine me saying this, you reminds me of myself when i have been through something called "anticipatory anxiety".
When i combine anticipation with anxiety, the definition changes for me, personally, and if i don't recognize what is happening to my thought process, i will have anxiety attacks of the worst kind, and for all the wrong reasons.
For me, anticipatory anxiety is the anxiety i experience with the intitial thought and anticipation of doing something. For instance, when i'm in a state of mind where i'm still looking forward to an event like you, i'm anticipating something bad is going to happen to me emotionally, not that it will. Again, anticipation can emotionally harm me more than the actual event!
The truth is that the actual situation is never as bad or as anxiety-producing as the anticipation, if you can understand where i'm going with this.
My point is, from my own personal experiences with family issues, is that nothing is ever as bad as i expected it will be, but the anticipation is most often the worst part, for me.
My fears are all about losing control about a situation that may not even happen. i want to stay in control, and i have to remember to stay in the PRESENT instead of projecting into the future, otherwise i will "lose" it and won't be able to function in the here and now, anticipating about next month, for instance.
Otherwise, i will do exactly what you are doing to yourself. I understand you so much about this meeting with your family members on december 5 and for right now, you are NOT living in the here and now just because of your anxiety for your future encounter.
For me, I have had to go to my doctor and talk about my deep rooted concerns because it was affect my personal life and basically my mental health. He prescribed me anxiety medication years ago in order to start my process of getting help to slow down my BRAIN of thinking so much negativity that i couldn't sleep at night, worrying all day about issues in my life and finally my doctor recommended that i seek out help because he didn't want me to just cover up my emotional issue with medication and never deal with what is really going on with me.
I finally realized that i was very insecure about myself, among other issues and going back to my brother story, i felt fear of him, and even didn't want to disappoint him for fear of being rejected by him, all because i've always wanted his brotherly love and friendship.
So what i would do is do whatever i had to do to please him and that character trait carried into my adult life until i had to get the help i needed and i'm not saying everything is perfect today, but with my brother, i'm not afraid ANYMORE to approach him, stand up to him, voice my opinion and with these few simple jestures, he no longer calls me out of my name, because he can now see that i'm not ALLOWING him to threatening my feelings or lose sleep over his negativity, anymore.
i want to finish by saying that this situation you are in is not easy because i been there, but if you can try and with the support your wife and others that you can trust to share with, please try to live in the "here and now", not that it will be easy, because life is really too short.
my PRESENT moments are very precious to me now, because it is really all i have.
No one can take my joy away from me today unless i LET them. I still write and write and write about my feelings and in the process i have developed a "tough skin" because dealing with family, in particular, is not always easy when i have to defend my self and try NOT to harm anyone in the family, at the same time.
You will know when you will have to take a stand about exercising your right to be you and others respecting your boundaries and your space.
One thing that i had to use with my brother is not being fearful of his words to me anymore. Therefore, i'm a better person for ME now and that is the only reason why i'm able to share to you my personal experiences about family and the anticipation of something that just may or may not happen, but if you stand up just ONCE and say HONESTLY how you feel, believe me, family more than anyone else, will realize that you are not joking and you are serious about having others to respect you and accept you for where you are in life...otherwise, what is family really about if it isn't about love and caring for one another, unconditionally and with "strings attached".
-D
-Donald "Knowledge is Freedom and Power, Stay Curious"
hi,
i wont drone on and on because it seems to becoming a competition on this board to write the longest post and is actually ruining it..through boredom of reading them all...(yawn)
i have to say you look fantastic mate...and you need to believe in this project(your hair) for it to work
maybe if mentioned... tell them you have had "hair replacement"..they wont have a clue what that means..people dont ..fact is pal..if they love you ,then they wont care...
fact is you look so good how can it be criticized ?
JONNY
Ouch! Unnecessary roughness. 10 yard penalty. Play nice in the sandbox...no one is twisting anyone's arm to read all of the posts...
blondie,
dont worry about that,i fall asleep right away after about twenty words ..but as for wb1975..i totally empathise hes going through it poor lad and my heart goes out to him...
its hard wearing hair i have been through it and still do..work is the hardest..but in life people will say things and i now just think who are you ? you fat blob or big nose ..or lard ass hehehehe
i dont know anyone who is perfect..they just think they are
they are all fodder of imperfection..so who are they? to call the physicality of a fellow human
wb1975 looks fantastic iu have seen his pics...i think his family cant be anything but impressed whether he tells them or not..YOU LOOK AMAZING MATE
Babe,
Thank you and blondie12, so much for your professionalism. You said it plainly and clearly and this will be my FIRST and LAST time giving my feedback about "long posts" because life is just too short, quite frankly, for immaturity.
Some people write very short messages and some will always write as much as they need to, like Walter or myself.
As i mentioned once before on this board, if someone has an issue with long posts, it is just like TV, one has a choice to either read (view) it or not and make the decision to move on to the next post, if it is so irritating and one may be too impatient.
But to continue "bashing" or being "critical" is just plain judgmental, in my view. There may be some other issue going on here because even Walter's post was just as long, or Rio, and others, so i'm just not sure where the motive is coming from or the real bottomline...
Anyway, i don't need to know, but again, thanks for your remarks, because no one on this board is going to change to suit someone else opinion that really doesn't make sense to me or others.
I hope this wasn't to LONG for some! (lol) Some people in our world are just too much for words!!
Take care,
hi donald,
i think you know full well they are too long...i am sure you are a good man with great hair but they are too long...you dont look your age either..(i say good too hehe)
but i think your posts are way too long...fair comment me thinks
Yikes!!
Wow... first off, I want to thank HD Cindy... what you said to me was so kind.
Babe with a Mane, you not only made me feel better, but you did it with superb, effervescent humor. I love your style!
Tim... I didn't take you as uncaring at all! I knew exactly what ya meant.
Donald... I'm in a rush, but I have LOTS to say in response to you. I swear, you're like my older twin or something.
Jeff, thanks for your kind words, too... nice to know that I'm not alone with a family like that.
Jonnyboy... thanks for the compliments. I only have the one avatar shot, for now. Our camera is on the fritz
And, also, I truly don't think any of us (Donald, myself, or any other "longers") are trying to make stuff long on purpose.
Myself, here's what ya can expect... sometimes, I'm swamped with work. I work from home, and am also a stay at home parent, and sometimes I can't log on as often as I'd like to.
But, when I do, I usually have a mouthful. I mean, sometimes, it may be just a short blurb, but usually, I have tons on my mind.
As the originator of this thread, I just welcome all responses.
Whether someone just writes a short little blurb to wish me well, or a longer one like Donald wrote... I'm just glad that I have a family on here.
I do have to admit, I take a lot of comfort in Donald's posts. Even the lengthy ones are fine with me, as I tend to be lengthy myself. I have more to say later, but I felt tons of kindness in what Donald said to me, and I know he means what he says as he relates his own experiences.
Whether we are a "blurber" or a "novel writer"... one is no better than the other.
Some folks like to just get the facts and get to the point. Some like to absorb all of the fine details.
I figure as long as we're all in the same boat, and we care about each other enough to share as we can on here, the style doesn't matter.
Thanks, ya all.
Hey Walter-
I've been doing this hair thing for a few years now and I'll tell you straight up- as open as I am about wearing, I can completely relate to what you are saying.
Here's a little story that might give you an idea of just how well I can relate.
This past Tuesday and Wednesday I was at the HairDirect headquarters in PA to discuss some of the projects that I am working on.
The last time I was there I had offered to do a demonstration to show their staff my method of attaching a full cap. It turned out that the last time I was there we didn't have enough time to go through with the demo, but this time around everyone was prepared, and it just so happened that they scheduled this so that I would be doing this demonstration in front of all of the hair tech's, some of the other members of the HD staff, my business partner, Bill Sr, and a few others. Not only that, but they also asked if I would mind if they recorded the demo for anyone who missed out.
Fortunately I have some experience in front of the camera, but this was one of the few times in my life where I was being filmed in front of a live audience.
All in all I think it went pretty well and I am glad that I got the opportunity to show this to everyone up close and in person since we are working to try to build and develop the full cap market.
But getting to my point, I have to admit that I was more than a little uncomfortable with doing this, and it wasn't about doing it in front of an audience or on camera- it was because I had accidentally grabbed the wrong unit when I packed.
The unit is several months old and has a lot of fraying in the sideburn areas. That coupled with the fact that it was designed to be worn while utilizing my own sideburns meant that it wasn't nearly up to my standards.
I prefaced my demonstration by explaining to everyone that this wasn't a unit that I would normally wear, that it wasn't made to be worn without facial hair integration, that the sides were torn up, etc, etc.
I made it through the demo, but when we were finished I put my skull cap back on. Even though everyone who was present knew that I wear hair, I just hated the idea that I was wearing something that I personally deemed to be unfit to wear in public. Several people insisted that I looked fine, I just have this thing about making sure that it is up to a certain standard before I wear it in public, even if the "public" is a bunch of people who are in the hair business! Actually, just like you, I am probably more particular about how I am seen by people who know I wear than I am the general public, simply because they have the insight might allow them to see flaws that other people might never pick out, and after all, if anyone is expected to have a good looking full cap it's me!
So I totally know where you are coming from. My advice? The night before they arrive (or better yet the night before that) I would allot a chunk of time to take it slow and get a good attachment. If you don't get a good attachment, take it off and re-do it.
Of course you run the risk of making it worse on yourself if you start to get frustrated that it isn't 100% perfect, but I don't think it would be much consolation for me to say "Just suck it up and deal with it".
I would plan for it, take a deep breath, allow plenty of time to get a good solid attachment, and when they arrive don't even bring it up.
If there is one thing that I can say with 100% certainty, it's that WE are much more conscious of our hair than anyone else on the planet will ever be. With that in mind I think the best advice is to try to calm down and look at it rationally, but at the same time do your best to look your best. I'm not self conscious at all if I have a good unit with a good attachment. Keep practicing your attachment method and take your time and get it right before they arrive. If you do that I think everything will be fine.
Jon Robertson, CEO, RemySoft Solutions LLC
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